It’s Not Love, It’s Loneliness

When you’re feeling lonely, you might find yourself dwelling on all your past relationships and how they ended. You recall all the good memories when you were happy, and you would think bringing it back means reclaiming your happiness. Although deep down you know they are not good for you, you choose to ignore this fact. You convince yourself that time is different and there’s has to be a way to make it work. You get in touch with people who once were a huge part of your life, give them a call or send a text, hoping for a second chance. Or, if that doesn’t work out, you settle for any person that comes your way. You think about the near future instead of the long run because you suddenly decided to “live in the moment” when you’ve been a worrier of the future all your life. You convince yourself it is meant to be because you met the person who completes you and they “swept” you off your feet when you needed it most. You fabricate things that are far from reality just to make the relationship work which, in turn, will compensate for the feeling of being lonely. In other words, you employ poor judgment and choose unhealthy relationships that are unlikely to last to feel less lonely.

Being in a relationship doesn’t mean there’s no room for loneliness. In fact, more than 60% of married people are lonely due to the absence of deep connection of love and understanding. Loneliness is the deficiency in the social connection with people. One could be in a room full of people, yet feel alone. Humans have a basic need to belong, which is related to stable relationships that allow us to express our thoughts and emotions. The connection contributes to our emotional health. Loneliness is a response to this particular need.

Loneliness turns us into our biggest enemy. We question every move we make because we feel like we’re outcasts who are oddly-wired. When we feel incredibly left out and insecure, we tend to keep ourselves locked up in a place where one should never be left alone in. We create our own little messed up world in our heads where nothing is good enough, a world where there’s no escape because destructive thoughts keep running and running in full speed. The deeper they become, the more damage they cause. We live in this world we’ve created where unrealistic thoughts reside. We become so emotionally detached and distant that it becomes so difficult for us to get out of bed and get things done. We lose meaning of life and our existence. The quieter the room, the louder the mind. It’s like loneliness demands to be felt. It feels like we’ve given up on setting ourselves free, because we’re trapped and there’s no way out. It just never stops.

Love as a Solution

We seek someone who makes our existence easier to deal with and provides us with the reassurance we need to feel better about ourselves. We need someone to make us feel like we aren’t as horrible as we think we are. We need someone to open up to and trust with our deepest secrets. But when we have thoughts, dreams, or fears to share and have no one to share it with, we feel abandoned. When we don’t have anyone to keep us busy from our demons, we become victims of our demons. It eats us from the inside, painfully and slowly. We involuntarily become alone with our thoughts and feelings that damage the way we perceive ourselves and our relationship with others. 

We feel we have a void in our hearts and the fastest way it could be filled is by welcoming an intimate partner who showers us with compliments and love. We run away from our loneliness and fail to realize that it’s just temporary. We fail to realize that we’re seeking what’s good in the short run rather than the long one. When you love the person for the way they make you feel, not for whom they truly are, you’re choosing them out of loneliness. When you want to avoid their flaws instead of accepting them, you’re choosing them out of loneliness. You reminisce over the good times, choosing to avoid the bad because they were the good old days and now we’re stuck in a place that feels so incredibly lonely. 

We all feel lonely at some point in our lives, one way or another, no matter how much we try to deny it or hide it. We hate the fact we’re lonely but it doesn’t change the fact that we are. Or worse, we’re not aware of our loneliness. When we haven’t felt loved in a long time, we long for attention so we try to set ourselves up with anyone that gets our way. We forget about the terms and conditions and priorities we’ve originally set, and settle for less than what we desire or deserve. However, the way everyone deals with loneliness varies. You can choose to deal with it by overcoming it, or let it take over you and make it even worse. 

“When I get lonely these days, I think: So BE lonely, Liz. Learn your way around loneliness. Make a map of it. Sit with it, for once in your life. Welcome to the human experience. But never again use another person’s body or emotions as a scratching post for your own unfulfilled yearnings.” ― Elizabeth GilbertEat, Pray, Love

Loneliness is Not What We Think It Is

Loneliness can easily play tricks on you and convince you that it is love. If you are broken, love is not the solution. Love can help you become a better version of yourself, but it’s not supposed to fix you. You can’t fall in love if you aren’t satisfied with yourself and your life as whole. If you can’t be good on your own, a relationship is the last thing you should think of. Loneliness leads you to settling for people who would make you feel even lonelier than you were because they aren’t the ones who you truly deserve or want. Before you think of being with someone, make sure that you’re happy with who you are and the life you’re living. Once you learn more about yourself and what is it that you really want, choosing the right partner becomes much easier.

Fighting loneliness is a hard battle, but it’s not one that is impossible to win. It is quite rewarding because you get to have a healthy relationship that adds a lot to your life. The first step is the awareness of the symptoms of loneliness. You should keep in mind that it is okay if we feel lonely from time to time, as long as we get out of it. Keep an open mind and optimistic view that it is possible to find someone who will treat you the way you wish to be treated and gets you. Learn about yourself and what truly makes you happy. Set your priorities straight. Engage in a larger and more diverse group of people. The more you learn about yourself, the better you choose the person you would want spend the rest of your life with.

11 Comments Add yours

  1. This is the best post I’ve seen that perfectly captures where I am. I am completely my own worst enemy. And because I spend so much time alone I tend to think about why that is and I come up with all the reasons I’m not worthy of anyone. I develop all these gret scenarios and stories in my mind where I’ve got a great relationship with someone who truly loves and cares for me, but I remind myself the reality is the exact opposite. And I know I’m to blame for most of it. Your post fills in some of the blanks. Thank you.


  2. Good advice, thank you! It can be temping to lower our standards when lonely but it never works out that well in the end.


    1. carlaakil says:

      Glad my article served its purpose. Thanks for your feedback!

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Reblogged this on elysianreaders and commented:
    Really motivating and comforting read if you ever feel a little lost

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Mohamed Amine SEBBANE says:

    Hi Carla,

    To tell you the truth, I only read this one article, and I like your style. Very clear.

    Of course we should know each other first, but ultimately, I want you to be contributor in my blog. You said in about section:

    “… share the knowledge and experiences that I think that are worthy of passing along, in hopes of creating a little community that brings people together.

    Let’s think together and share ideas to become more familiar of the things that make us who we truly are, not whom we think we are. It’s about time we have an open mind, and see things from a different perspective.​”

    Are you serious about that? Please read this open letter of mine, and please, whether yes, no, maybe… just give me an answer. In case you are wondering, yes, I am very serious. Please read:

    Are you a leader? Do you want to change the world? For the next generation?

    Thanks for reading.

    Med Amine Sebbane


  5. ohyouwhat says:

    Reblogged this on oh you what and commented:
    Agree, so much.


  6. Well penned! For some reason we often look outside ourselves for some type of validation. You make a great distinction between loneliness and love.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Brilliant! The human mind is much too complex to be captured in words, but you’ve articulated love and loneliness just too well!

    Liked by 1 person

  8. WHY did this post come for my life? Very well written!

    Liked by 1 person

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